What stood out to me here is the distinction between understanding and excusing. The essay doesn't ask the reader to deny the wound or pretend the pain wasn't real. Instead, it explores how a person can hold both truths at once: “this hurt me deeply” and “I can understand how it happened.”
That feels like a much more mature form of healing than either blame or forced forgiveness...
I like the way you put it “It’s a much more mature form of healing…” No blame neither automatic forgiveness. First we try to understand the reason behind the wounds as adult, putting aside for instance they are our parents and putting aside our expectations. Just one adult trying to understand an other one. We can still blame them after and forgive them, but they will come from a place with more awareness.
Lots of lines are from my own surface....'I can remember, I have always felt an emotional gap between my mother and me.'💛💛 You're such an awesome writer💛💛💛
My situation is different but I’ve learned a lot of myself the last weeks, too, while I was in a short hypnotherapy where I learned why I had begun to find anything about socializing and meetings anywhere from uncomfortable over physically stressful to confusingly ambivalent.
Somehow the kid-question kept tugging at me... loving someone and being angry at them is such a messy little knot. I liked that adult-you didn’t barge in with a perfect answer, just kind of crouched beside child-you and went, hey, there’s more to the story, but your hurt still counts. That bit made me quiet, annoyingly.
This was very interesting to read. For me, it was the reverse. My father wanted a boy. So bad. But every child that came was a girl. My mother has 5 kids. Last one is a boy. I have always felt the way my father treated him compared to us was vastly different (not that we were treated badly). There was just an emotional deprivation we experienced. He provided, yes. But the emotional connection and affection wasn’t there. Ironically same for my mom. Anyway, that’s beside the point. What I really want to say is that this deeply resonated with me on so many levels. Good work my friend!
Thank you for reading and sharing your story with me, my friend. Greatly appreciated it!
I think this goes deeper than we think, a woman wants a daughter and the man wants a boy. This is not the problem, maybe the problem is the way they express it and treated the rest of us.
This piece is powerful. What I found most profound was the empathy and compassion discovered in the end for your parents. Most cannot get to that point over the course of their entire lives. This ability to see them as individuals, as well as parents, is a unique virtue.
I think when we stop blaming them for what they did or didn’t do and start seeing them as individual, imperfects like us, we could start understanding their actions, see their love under the hurts! That’s really a virtue all of us can develop that way.
It was not easy, indeed. But refreshing after that. And I hope that can give others courage enough to do the work in them as well and find piece within themselves as well.
What stood out to me here is the distinction between understanding and excusing. The essay doesn't ask the reader to deny the wound or pretend the pain wasn't real. Instead, it explores how a person can hold both truths at once: “this hurt me deeply” and “I can understand how it happened.”
That feels like a much more mature form of healing than either blame or forced forgiveness...
Thank you, Adrien !
I like the way you put it “It’s a much more mature form of healing…” No blame neither automatic forgiveness. First we try to understand the reason behind the wounds as adult, putting aside for instance they are our parents and putting aside our expectations. Just one adult trying to understand an other one. We can still blame them after and forgive them, but they will come from a place with more awareness.
Lots of lines are from my own surface....'I can remember, I have always felt an emotional gap between my mother and me.'💛💛 You're such an awesome writer💛💛💛
Thank you for your kind words, @pm! Greatly appreciated.
I’m glad my story resonates with you so much. Perhaps we are more alike than we imagine and maybe more connected with a similar sroty.
My situation is different but I’ve learned a lot of myself the last weeks, too, while I was in a short hypnotherapy where I learned why I had begun to find anything about socializing and meetings anywhere from uncomfortable over physically stressful to confusingly ambivalent.
I could not enjoy being me, fully seen.
Now that it’s clarified, I can explore a new way…
Thank you Daniela!
I’m glad you go through that. It’s good when we get those things clear, that gives us a lot of possibilities to explore new and healthy way.
This page propose to help doing something similar, to see before moving.
Beautiful
Thank you, Alex. Greatly appreciated ☺️
Somehow the kid-question kept tugging at me... loving someone and being angry at them is such a messy little knot. I liked that adult-you didn’t barge in with a perfect answer, just kind of crouched beside child-you and went, hey, there’s more to the story, but your hurt still counts. That bit made me quiet, annoyingly.
Thank you, Asuka-sempai !
Indeed, The hurt making part of those things that make us who we are. It counts, the goal is not to let in control us or influence us anymore.
Good article, thanks for that
Thank you for reading it !
Odel, thank you so much for sharing such an important and personal story with us.
I’m really looking forward to reading the next part!! 😇
This was very interesting to read. For me, it was the reverse. My father wanted a boy. So bad. But every child that came was a girl. My mother has 5 kids. Last one is a boy. I have always felt the way my father treated him compared to us was vastly different (not that we were treated badly). There was just an emotional deprivation we experienced. He provided, yes. But the emotional connection and affection wasn’t there. Ironically same for my mom. Anyway, that’s beside the point. What I really want to say is that this deeply resonated with me on so many levels. Good work my friend!
Thank you for reading and sharing your story with me, my friend. Greatly appreciated it!
I think this goes deeper than we think, a woman wants a daughter and the man wants a boy. This is not the problem, maybe the problem is the way they express it and treated the rest of us.
I agree.
This piece is powerful. What I found most profound was the empathy and compassion discovered in the end for your parents. Most cannot get to that point over the course of their entire lives. This ability to see them as individuals, as well as parents, is a unique virtue.
Thank you Carolyn ☺️!
I think when we stop blaming them for what they did or didn’t do and start seeing them as individual, imperfects like us, we could start understanding their actions, see their love under the hurts! That’s really a virtue all of us can develop that way.
That's some heavy experiences to have at such a young age. Than you for sharing, it can't have been easy.
Thank you, Seb !
It was not easy, indeed. But refreshing after that. And I hope that can give others courage enough to do the work in them as well and find piece within themselves as well.
Thanks for your kind words! Greatly appreciated