To M, my past flame

A letter never sent

I write these words to you…
without knowing if they’ll ever be read.
It doesn’t matter, my heart says, not right now.
It simply wants to let things out—
things it has been holding onto for far too long…

Where do I even begin?
The blame, the accusations? No.
I no longer have the strength for that.
And I’m still too grateful to you for that…

You came into my life when I needed someone,
like rain saving travelers
dying of thirst in the desert.

Beautiful, independent, passionate, ambitious…
qualities that broke through
the defenses of my heart.

I didn’t know myself yet.
I wasn’t a man yet…
An immature heart, too agreeable, without real grounding.
You became my reason to be, my motivation, my vision…
Too much for you, I admit.
I understand why you left.

I already knew…
and so did my heart.
Our story was never meant to last forever.
I wasn’t yet the man you deserved.
I had accepted letting you go,
giving you back your freedom…

So tell me, my dear… why?
Why did you come back,
ask me to hold on again,
only to leave without a word?
My heart wants to know… why?

What wrong did I commit?
I’m no saint, I know that.
But your freedom—we gave it back to you…
So why return… only to leave again?

It’s not your departure
that hurts the most…
My heart and I—
we felt that coming.

I admit, I was angry
when I realized you were gone
without a single word…
It felt like betrayal.

But remembering one of my heroes,
my heart grew calm again…

No condemnation
without knowing your reasons.

Jury, judge, prosecutor…
my heart stands ready,
waiting only for you—the accused—
to deliver its verdict,
which may never come.

Know this: for you,
my heart holds no malice,
no ill intentions.
Only blessings are sent your way—
peace, prosperity, joy…

If one day you return,
I don’t think my heart will accept you.
Not for lack of love…
this old fool still carries
the weight of its affection for you.

But even so…
it will not open the door.

It has built, stone by stone,
a new reality—
a reality where you no longer exist…

Without your smile,
without your love,
without you.

And yet, be at peace:
you still live on the walls of my heart.
Like plaques of honor,
like faded medals
hanging on the walls of an old soldier…

You still shine.
A symbol of a glorious past.
A distant past.

Still… I would like to hear your voice
one last time…
to know if you are happy,
if life is kind to you…

if you are well, at least.

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Mirror Question:
When a relationship ends, do you try to understand… or do you look for someone to blame?

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Author’s Note:
This is one of the poems that weighed on me the most to write. Perhaps the truest in this series of laments to my heart.

There are people who pass through our lives and leave us carrying a strange mix of deep pain and beautiful, unsettling feelings. More often than not, we let anger blind us. But when we look more closely, we sometimes find a sense of gratitude in those departures—despite the pain—because they helped us grow into a more mature version of ourselves.

There are many ways to grieve a love that has passed.

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With clarity,
The Mirror Room
Odel A.