Why We Learn to Avoid What We Feel ? (Emotions part 3)

Avoiding an Emotion Does Not Make It Disappear

The Wisdom of Avoidance

Here is a situation that is very familiar to me. When I am writing, when I am working, or even when I am simply enjoying a hobby, sometimes a new message appears. Sometimes from my parents, sometimes from a friend. And in that moment, I simply tell myself: I’ll reply later. That “later” is not supposed to be long. A few minutes. Maybe an hour. For a routine message, it seems like it can wait.

Then days pass. Sometimes even weeks. I receive another message from that same person, or their name crosses my mind, and I wonder why I haven’t heard from them. So I pick up my phone, scroll back through our conversations… and realize that I completely forgot to reply to the first message.

The result is that many people end up thinking I am insensitive, disrespectful, ungrateful, maybe even a bad person. But I am not, at least not toward them. I respect my friends and family. I want to see them doing well, happy. But this habit has often created distance between us.

There are so many things we neglect because, in the moment, they seem too small, too exhausting, or simply “not urgent.” Yet, as they accumulate, they become problems. Something that would have cost two dollars ends up costing twenty.

And very often, the exact same thing happens with our emotions. Some of what we feel—especially the feelings we call “bad”—we prefer to avoid. In the moment, it seems like the best decision. But avoiding a problem… does it really mean that the problem is no longer there?

I grew up in a community that taught us to avoid emotions that were too strong. We were often told not to let ourselves be carried away by anger, rage, or hatred. These feelings can destroy. And that is not wrong. Strong emotions can lead us to acts of madness that we eventually regret.

My uncle often told me how he almost ended up in prison because of jealousy. He had a girlfriend he saw regularly. They did not live together, but they could spend the night at each other’s place whenever they wanted.

One night, he was at her place and was supposed to stay there for the night. Then he remembered something he had to do early in the morning. He got up and went home. When he arrived, he realized that he had forgotten something at the woman’s place. Nothing urgent, but since he had not gone to bed yet, he got back in the car.

When he arrived at her place, he found her with another man. Jealousy rose immediately, bringing anger with it. He left without saying anything. The next day, he questioned her at work. She denied everything. Overcome by anger, he hit her violently. So violently that she could not finish her workday.

He told me that it hurt him as much as it hurt her. He felt ashamed. Since that day, he prefers to quietly walk away rather than let anger guide him.

He often told me this story to make me understand that I should never let my emotions carry me so far that I do something I might regret.

Around us, we often see people who let themselves be carried away by their emotions and do things they eventually regret. Not always as dramatic as what my uncle experienced. But actions serious enough to damage a reputation.

As children, my parents and grandparents used these stories to tell us not to “end up like those people.”

The wisdom of avoidance comes from the fear of what strong emotions can cause. When we let ourselves be carried away and express them in the wrong way, they can cause damage, especially around us. They often hurt the people closest to us. They can also damage our reputation, make us look ridiculous in the eyes of others.

At work, I see it often. At Amazon Grocery, most people do not like working in the cold room where certain products like milk, meat, cheese, etc. are kept. Many find it unfair or unacceptable, especially when a manager assigns them to that section because of the amount of work.

One of my flex coworkers particularly hates that section. One day, he came in motivated, ready for his shift. The first thing the manager told him was to go work in the cold room. He was so upset that he got angry and went home without working. To justify himself, he told me emotionally: “He has no right to send me to the cold room like that.”

The reality is that yes, the manager does have that right. But I said nothing. I simply smiled.

The next day, my coworker came back. The same manager sent him directly to the cold room once again. This time, he stayed. He complained, but he did his job. I did not try to understand why he had changed his attitude. But all his protesting from the day before seemed pointless to me. How could I take him seriously after that?

There are also other unhappy coworkers. We see them, we hear them complain about the freezing temperature. We can feel their frustration. But they hold themselves back. They do not allow themselves to react too strongly; they do not want to attract attention.

But can we really say that they are managing their emotions, or are they simply holding them in? Their frustration is visible, almost palpable, but they do not rebel. They do not let themselves be carried away by those feelings of frustration. Why?

I could not say. Everyone has their own way of managing their emotions. But is it the right way? Are they doing it with the right mindset?

Perhaps some people avoid expressing their emotions because they fear the consequences. A poorly placed reaction can cost a lot, sometimes even a job. But the real question lies elsewhere: Do they really know how to express them properly? Do they understand the root of what they are feeling?

A lack of understanding always leads to poor expression. And poor expression creates damage, often unintended, often regrettable. I believe that is why, in our communities, we are taught to avoid falling under the control of our emotions.

In the Bible, there are many verses that encourage us to distance ourselves from feelings considered negative. We could summarize a few of them:

1️⃣ “Refrain from anger and turn from wrath.” — Psalm 37:8
2️⃣ “Get rid of anger and hostility.” — Colossians 3:8
3️⃣ “Let all anger and bitterness disappear.” — Ephesians 4:31
4️⃣ “Reject envy.” — 1 Peter 2:1
5️⃣ “Flee the passions of youth.” — 2 Timothy 2:22

I grew up in a Christian community. I started at the age of fourteen. I was naive, sensitive, and I took everything to heart. I did not question the teachings of the Bible. I still believe in them, firmly. Most of my principles come from those Scriptures.

The real problem, for me, was understanding and interpretation.

In some cases, I came to believe that I was not allowed to feel certain emotions: anger, jealousy, hatred, revenge, ambition, pride, selfishness… All those feelings were considered bad in my head.

At one point, I felt ashamed of myself every time a hint of one of those emotions appeared. I pushed them away immediately. I chased them away, without ever taking the time to question or understand them.

I believe this is a common practice in religious communities. And, in my opinion, a necessary one.

Why?

Religious people—Christians or followers of any other belief—are still human. They experience emotions too. They can feel anger, and some people sometimes have every reason in the world to feel hatred or even a desire for revenge.

Nevertheless, because of our inability to control ourselves sometimes when we are under the influence of strong emotions, it is often better to chase them away without even thinking about them. It is for the good of the community. If we cannot understand and manage these emotions, keeping them within us becomes dangerous.

Anger, jealousy, fear, pride, selfishness, ambition… When they are misunderstood and poorly nurtured, these feelings can lead to the destruction of a community, or even an entire country.

That is why I understand—and respect—the teaching of emotional avoidance. Within a community, it is important, sometimes even necessary.

Do not give in to anger.
Do not feed emotions that can become destructive within your family, your home, your environment.

The wisdom of avoidance exists to preserve unity, harmony, and peace within a group.

But… does that mean strong emotions actually disappear?

The Limits of the Wisdom of Avoidance

If, for the community, this wisdom is important—sometimes even fundamental—I think that on a personal level, it remains limited.

When we are talking with someone, or when we are in a group, it is wise to hold back our emotions, to suppress them if necessary, to avoid saying or doing something we might regret later.

It is essential to remain calm and express yourself clearly. If you let yourself be carried away by anger, even if you are right and you are raising important issues, most people will not listen to you. Some will even use your anger to ignore your words or discredit your concerns.

In public, it is better to silence certain emotions. To suppress them. But it should not stop there. Suppressing them does not erase them. Suppressing them does not resolve them.

Suppressing them is good for the public. But for the individual, it is dangerous. It is a silent accumulation, like a bomb ready to explode at the slightest impact.

Sometimes we avoid an emotion entirely. Other times, we feel it but suppress its expression. Both can protect us from acting impulsively in the moment. But neither necessarily resolves what we feel.

As Carl Gustav Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist and one of the major figures of modern psychology, said:
“Unexpressed emotion never dies. It is buried alive and will come back later in uglier ways.”

I would put it differently: a suppressed and misunderstood emotion never dies. It is simply silenced. And it always ends up finding a darker way to reveal itself.

A person who hides their hatred—religious or not—becomes a bitter hypocrite.
Suppressed anger turns into bitterness.
Suppressed jealousy becomes poison.

And when we become too used to avoiding and then suffocating our emotions, our inner life becomes like a maze. The feelings remain there, hidden in a corner, and can emerge at any moment, often in dark and unexpected ways.

I would say that the wisdom of avoidance is important, sometimes even essential, for the community. But for the individual, it is incomplete. Because hiding a wound does not heal it. It needs to be treated.

And to deal with our emotions, the first step is simple: we need to start by welcoming them.

to be continued…

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Mirror Question:

What happens to your emotions after you choose not to express them?

Odel’s Note

Thank you for reading. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments. I always enjoy reading them and joining the conversation.

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With Clarity,
Odel A.
The Mirror Room