How to Keep Conflict from Turning into Destructive Patterns
14th Reflection on Love: The Conflict Management Plan
Conflict is inevitable in a relationship. What isn’t inevitable… is the way you learn to face it.
At first, I didn’t intend to write this observation. Throughout the previous sections, I’ve often mentioned the importance of conflicts, because they seem to be an effective way to get to know a person and understand their boundaries.
In reality, early conflicts in a relationship also help shape the bond and envision life together. While writing the 13th observation, it became obvious to me that I should write this one as well.
Before the Conflict Even Happens
I believe it’s important, just as you choose your habits at the start of a relationship, to establish a conflict management plan. And this should be done first on a personal level before being shared as a couple.
When you start seeing someone, it’s impossible not to get hurt at some point. There will inevitably be disagreements, sometimes intentional, sometimes unintentional.
Even in a couple, you are still yourself. And I will continue to defend the idea that you should choose someone with whom you feel completely free to be yourself, and to whom you grant the same privilege. You have your tastes, your strengths, and your flaws.
Everyone has their habits, their principles, their way of doing things, and their perception of things.
But let’s focus on you.
Knowing What You Will Not Bend On
You should clearly define what you dislike, what you can tolerate, and what is unforgivable for you in a relationship. You don’t need to define everything from the start, because every person is different and can bring different situations.
But you must know what you could not accept, despite all the love you hold in your heart.
For example, infidelity. That can be an unforgivable act.
Disrespect toward parents, humiliating or mistreating them, also.
I don’t require my partner to love my family, but at very least respecting them.
In a conflict management plan, those cases can be the gravest, the ones that would push you to abandon ship without hesitation.
When Patterns Begin to Repeat
Once you’ve defined what is unforgivable, I apply what I call my “rule of three.”
If you offend me once, I tell you directly and sincerely. I hold no grudge.
The second time, I’ll become a bit more cautious, but I’ll forgive.
The third time, I tell you once more and I already start keeping my distance on that point.
It’s simple, but it requires real powers of observation, understanding, and adaptation.
For some people, certain things are habits. They’ve been doing them for so long that it’s become natural, like breathing. In that case, you need to know whether what bothers you is something deeply rooted in the other person. And then rely on your ability to tolerate.
For love, if you can bear it, then close your eyes from time to time. You can remind them of it, not as a reproach, but as a gentle remark.
When Habit Speaks Louder Than Intention
I remember someone getting angry with me because I used “b,” a diminutive of “bae” often when I texted her. She didn’t like being called that. Yet I was so used to the word that it came naturally to me, sometimes even before I realized it. She got upset about it often.
At one point, I explained that I wasn’t doing it on purpose. She understood. I made the effort to ensure it wouldn’t happen again, but when it did, it wasn’t a big deal anymore.
Not Every Hurt Comes From the Same Place
For the things where I apply the rule of three, everything depends on the person and the intention behind each fault. Some people hurt you simply because they don’t worry much about your feelings.
Others do it inadvertently, because what bothers you is part of them. It’s important to observe and learn to recognize these two types of people to apply the rule fairly.
When Boundaries Are Finally Spoken
Once your conflict management plan is established — what you will never forgive and how you handle other levels of disagreement — you need to share it with the other person.
A word that comes up often here: communication.
You should be able to clearly express what you will not tolerate in a relationship and what deeply displaces you. But above all, you must also listen to the other person’s limits. If you apply the rule of three, you’re not obliged to reveal it. You can keep it to yourself.
Learning Not to Judge Too Soon
In conflict management, we should also uphold values like tolerance. At the start of a relationship, it often feels like walking on eggshells. You do everything to avoid hurting the other person. But at that moment you don’t know each other well yet, so you might end up hurting each other unintentionally.
It’s like in the anecdote from the 12th observation, with the girl who expected me to ask how she was doing. In her view, I had made a mistake. For me, I hadn’t done anything wrong. She got upset and distance grew. Was that the best way to handle that disagreement? Maybe I would have answered differently before.
But as I grew, I understood this principle: you don’t condemn someone for a fault they weren’t aware of. You explain it to them first. If they continue, then they deserve the consequence. This principle also may be applied to romantic relationships.
When Misunderstanding Meets Timing
A friend got mad at me because I took a while to respond to her messages. When I understood, I tried to explain that I was at work, but she had already fallen asleep. The next day, despite my apology, the complaints came back. I reminded her that we’d just met, that we still didn’t know each other very well. She was understanding, so it didn’t go far.
I told her: “We’ve just met; we don’t know many things about each other yet. Even if you do something that might make me angry, the first time I won’t be. I’ll simply tell you that I don’t like it. If you do it again, then I’ll probably be angry.”
Before Distance Settles Overnight
To conclude this observation, I’ll cite this Bible verse:
Ephesians 4:26-27 “Be angry, and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, nor give place to the devil.”
If you’re angry with your partner, don’t go to sleep without resolving the issue and finding peace. Don’t leave the room empty to temptations and to negative thoughts. That can be dangerous for the couple.
If it’s something unforgivable, then it’s over. But if it’s something you want to forgive, do it before you sleep. You can keep a small, calculated emotional distance to tease the other perhaps, but with love and tenderness.
Make sure the anger is dissipated and that you’re reconciled, even if there’s a little lingering soft distance between you before you sleep.
Mirror Question:
Do you enter relationships with a way to face conflict…
or do you discover your reactions only when it happens?
If this resonates, tomorrow night the Evening Mirror explores the architecture behind it:
how conflict turns into patterns, and how a simple shift in structure can change the outcome.
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With clarity,
The Mirror Room
Odel A.
When I entered a relationship before (my marriage) I had not thought about having a plan for resolving conflicts. I thought we were supposed to talk things through once there was conflict.
I think knowing how I will approach it and communicate through it beforehand is a good idea before I enter another relationship. I want to be able to communicate effectively and safely to resolve any conflicts with my partner.