What You Keep Forgiving May Become the Rule

17th Reflection on Love: When Forgiveness Becomes Permission

May 17, 2026

Love can forgive many things. Sometimes, that is exactly the problem.

I spent almost my entire adolescence living with my paternal grandparents. I loved living there, much more than living with my parents. They were kind, caring people… We all know how grandparents can spoil their grandchildren. I loved the atmosphere.

During those years, in every situation, they always had a saying to share. A form of wisdom passed down through generations. I did not always understand them; sometimes, we even laughed at those old proverbs.

However, as I grew older and began navigating the troubled waters of life, those words that once seemed trivial to me started taking on deeper meanings. A kind of philosophy of reality.

Out of all the Haitian proverbs my grandmother used to repeat so often, there was this one:

“Evite miyo ke mande padon”

Which could roughly be translated as: “Better to prevent than to cure.”

I doubt my grandmother ever thought this could apply to a romantic relationship; in fact, she never used it in that context. Nevertheless, after reflecting on it, this idea came to me through her words.

Love is not that different from life. It is not so different from the other aspects of life we experience every day. So this wisdom could apply to relationships just as much as it applies to anything else.

I have noticed that we humans often tend to hurt the people we love the most—the ones who sincerely love us in return. Because we assume love will be enough to make us forgiven.

Very often, it is.

Which is a beautiful thing… but one that can also become toxic.

Because forgiveness can sometimes be perceived by our subconscious as a kind of permission and, without realizing it, we repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Things we label as small, insignificant, and completely forgivable.

But at what cost to the one who keeps forgiving?

For example, if a stranger comes into the house and we only have one chair, even if our partner has back pain—and we are fully aware of it—it can feel almost natural to offer that chair to the stranger, unintentionally neglecting the well-being of the person we love. And then we expect the other person to understand and forgive us.

There are many things that may seem simple or insignificant in everyone else’s eyes, but that the person in front of us may dislike. Yet sometimes, we still do them, hoping they will understand. We often think these reasons are too trivial to truly push someone away.

But reality may be more subtle than that. In a relationship, things that appear small can carry much greater weight for the other person. Even a boundary that seems minor can have real importance.

Which is why my grandmother’s wisdom becomes important here:

“Evite miyo ke mande padon.”

Every time a boundary is crossed, a small distance may begin to appear on the horizon of the relationship. At first, it is almost invisible—nothing that seems truly serious. But as it repeats itself, that space can slowly grow until it becomes difficult to ignore.

I also believe that, sometimes, certain dynamics begin to settle into a relationship without us even realizing it. The person repeating the behavior obviously plays a role in it, but repeated forgiveness can also, unintentionally, allow the cycle to continue.

If someone crosses one of our boundaries, it becomes important to clearly express what hurts us or what is not acceptable to us. Because when certain things are constantly set aside in the name of love, a mechanism can gradually install itself and eventually begin hurting us in the long run.

Mini Clarity Guide — When Forgiveness Becomes Permission

Respect what matters to the other.
What seems small to everyone else may not feel small to the person you love.
Do not rely too heavily on understanding.
Love can forgive many things… but repeated hurt slowly creates distance.
Pay attention before repair becomes necessary.
Sometimes prevention protects the bond more than apology does.
Express limits clearly.
Unspoken discomfort often becomes silent resentment.
Do not normalize repeated violations.
What is constantly tolerated can gradually become expected.
Protect the relationship before protecting the moment.
A short pleasure or small action may not carry the same weight for you… but it may for the person beside you.

Remember the wisdom:
“Evite miyo ke mande padon.”
Better to prevent than to spend your time repairing.

For a deeper understanding of this dynamic, The Evening Mirror:

Forgiveness — When Compassion Quietly Becomes Permission will be available to paid subscribers tomorrow.

🪞 Mirror Question:

Forgiveness can sometimes protect a relationship.
But at what point does it begin protecting a pattern instead?

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