Love Isn’t What Ends Relationships. This Is.
7th Reflection on Love: To Love Is Also to Establish Principles.
Most relationships don’t end because of a lack of love. They end because something deeper was never defined.
Love can be a storm. And without an anchor, even the most sincere hearts will eventually drift.
In a relationship, principles are that anchor.
The heart, when overwhelmed by the sheer force of love, easily loses its sense of direction.
We all know the feeling: when you truly love someone, their happiness becomes your priority. That deep, visceral desire often drives us to do absolutely anything to make it happen.
Why principles matter
Sometimes, we want to see that person smile so badly that we end up giving more than we actually have.
I feel good when my partner is doing well. If she’s happy, I’m happy.
But deep love can also make you lose your footing. It’s tumultuous, and as the french singer, Garou, sang so perfectly:
“Love is violent—violent on the inside.” (Que L’Amour est Violent)
That intensity can make us jealous, immature, excessive, or even paranoid. It can make us easy to manipulate.
That is why I believe principles are essential.
They act as your guardrails.
Your lighthouse in the middle of the night.
Where most people lose their way
So many relationships don’t end because of a lack of love. They end because of a lack of principles.
You have to define:
What you are willing to tolerate.
What is strictly off-limits.
What is unforgivable.
And exactly how many times you are willing to forgive the same mistake.
Love, on its own, is not a shield.
Building Together
At the beginning of a relationship, I like to ask a simple but crucial question:
How do you want us to handle our relationship?
This is where we start building the rules together—rules that prevent tension and protect our harmony.
For example:
We might agree to let each other know when we’re busy.
That way, if a text goes unanswered or a call doesn’t go through, there’s no unnecessary frustration. We already know why. That simple step is enough to save us from resentment or overthinking.
One of the principles I always insist on—and perhaps the one that matters most to me—is this:
“Do not demand what you aren’t willing to give in return.”
It’s a variation of the biblical teaching where Jesus said:
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
If a woman expects me to be available for her at all times, isn’t it only fair to expect the same from her?
We feel loved when we feel like a priority.
When love is sincere, making the other person the center of our attention comes naturally. We text, we reply quickly, we pick up the phone.
But I believe it’s important to take a step back sometimes. I’ll stop sending the first message, just to see if the other person will take the lead.
Some of my stories ended right there.
Sometimes we just want something deeper, something more committed. But can you force someone to love you the way you want to be loved?
In those cases, pushing too hard only leads to pain—for us and for them.
So, I believe it is better to leave.
Not because of a lack of love. But because of principle.
Setting Boundaries: An Act of Love
There are shared principles, such as:
Caring for one another, even when we’re angry.
Communication. If one does something the other dislikes, it should be said.
If a fight gets too heated to hear each other, it’s better to walk away or stay silent for a moment.
No spending from joint funds without the other knowing.
These principles can be as diverse as the people involved.
But it’s just as important to have personal principles. For instance:
What you will never forgive.
What you will never sacrifice.
How many times you are willing to put up with certain behaviors.
I value my peace. I love to write.
If I am with someone who doesn’t respect that part of my life, I might try to explain it three times. If after that she still can’t accept it—even if I love her—I will leave.
Sometimes, leaving on principle is the only way to protect yourself from suffering.
The Silent Misunderstanding
Then there are external principles, like giving gifts on special occasions: Christmas, Valentine’s Day, International Women’s Day…
I remember a time when my ex-girlfriend was truly angry with me. I hadn’t gotten her anything for Christmas. Personally, I don’t believe in those holidays; to me, they’re just business.
When we first started dating, I was a student and wasn’t working. Back then, I never gave her anything during that time of year, and she was never upset.
This time, however, she was hurt because I was working and could afford to buy her something. I don’t think she was waiting for the gift itself, but rather the gesture.
On principle, even if I chose not to give anything, I should have let her know.
When she expressed her disappointment and anger, I immediately admitted I was wrong.
Since then, I’ve been careful.
I realized she was making a silent effort that I hadn’t noticed before.
Without principles, your partner might start taking you for granted.
We sometimes accept things we shouldn’t.
We forgive too easily.
We endure behaviors that should be our cue to leave…
In my view, principles are what maintain balance in a couple’s life.
Loving someone should mean enjoying your freedom alongside them.
But without principles—if we only follow our hearts—it is too easy to lose ourselves and suffer.
Love, on its own, is not a shield. It is our principles that keep us from getting lost and getting hurt.
Also remember: principles should not govern every breath of a relationship — they anchor the essential, while leaving space for spontaneity and joy.
🪞 Mirror Question
If loving someone required you to betray a principle essential to your own balance…
would you still be willing to stay?
Tomorrow in the Evening Mirror, we will explore the hidden structure that keeps love from collapsing.
If you feel this reflection resonating, feel free to take your seat.
Read the previous reflections:
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This room exists through those who value it.
With clarity,
The Mirror Room
Odel A.
This was a great read, thank you for sharing. I think this is a lesson I have learned later in life, clear boundaries are essential and also talk about the deal breakers together, so you both know expectations. ~ Nerra ⚔️⚡⚖️
I think your principle about protecting boundaries is very important.
However, in my experience, the boundaries we try to maintain can sometimes be translated as indifference by the other person. Perhaps that is where relationships often face their real crisis.
When we start meeting someone’s demands simply because we fear being seen as uncaring, expectations tend to grow. And those expectations can easily become distorted into a form of control within the relationship.
I also hope that my wife does not cross my boundaries. But when I think about it, even that desire could be seen as a form of control.
So I believe it is important not to direct disappointment toward the other person, but instead to take responsibility for the expectations I chose to have.
To me, love means protecting my own boundaries while patiently waiting — even when the other person does not immediately respect or understand them.
Thank you for the thoughtful reflection.